When I was told the devastating news that my hearing in my left ear would not return I felt lost, isolated and trapped in a world where everything was either too loud or not loud enough. I was embarrassed to ask people to speak slower or repeat things that I just couldn't quite make out and felt like I couldn't open up about SSD in public in fear of looking silly. I was all of a sudden conscious of people being on my good side and found that taking myself out of social situations was easier than trying to deal with them. I couldn't quite accept that part of me was lost forever and just tried to cover it up with a smile or a joke! I was stubborn and determined that this 'thing' wasn't going to change life as I know it but I was quickly defeated.
We would sit together on the sofa and Google treatments, solutions, and tips from others in the same situation and Paul would spend hours reading articles, university studies and pretty much anything the internet had to offer that would help him understand what I was feeling. Whether it was him going to shop to buy me silly amounts of chocolate and goodies or a cuddle on a bad day I honestly couldn't have got through it without him. When I came home one evening to find him cooking with an ear plug in his left ear I smiled, his reply, "I just want to hear what you hear".
Once I realised that it was ok to not be ok, I turned a corner. Yes I might cry, shout, get angry and have days where I don't want to get out of bed but now I understand why. The tiredness, the fatigue, loss of balance and tinnitus are things that my brain quickly got used to and I feel a much stronger person as a result. Paul told me to look after myself and stand up for myself when explaining my situation. I now find myself sitting in the best place at a work meeting, teaching with my students mainly on the right and explaining to people the reasons why I might not have heard their question. While shopping the other day I found myself saying "sorry that's my deaf side" when I didn't hear her say excuse me. A year ago I would have just looked down and felt awful for it for the rest of the evening. My friends and family have been great, making sure they save me a space at the left end of the restaurant table, making sure I hear announcements at the airport, turning up the TV, making sure I feel ok in a loud bar and always walking on my right. It becomes a habit and one that me and Paul quickly adjusted too.
As I sit here in the garden on this lovely summers evening I'm thankful to everyone who has made me smile, my close group of friends, boyfriend, family, and work colleagues. Because of you all I am brave enough to speak out, write my blog and record radio interviews! who'd have thought it!
Every day may not be good, but there is definitely something good in every day.
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