Say what?!

As I'm sat where with Paul watching the F1 it suddenly dawned on me how little (pretty much none!) of the commentary I can actually hear. It got me thinking that the Grand Prix is a really good metaphor of the life of someone who is hard of hearing. The cars being the background noise and the commentary the everyday conversation. Iv been watching for about 15 minutes and can honestly say that I haven't heard a full sentence clearly so far! As anyone who is hard of hearing or suffers with single sided deafness will know, we cant differentiate between what is supposed to be background noise and the sound of someone who could be talking right at you!

Im also aware that my brain likes to fill in the blanks and create sentences for me without me even knowing it. This is true of so many peoples day to day lives, at work, home, gym, social lives, the list is endless. I cant even count the amount of times in an average week that I don't hear the end of someones sentence because they walk in to another room while talking, lower their voice or turn their head away while talking to me. It makes for some really odd (and also funny!) sentences where I have a little chuckle to myself and carry on with the task in hand.

Turns out that "filling in the blanks" is an actual thing.....its called oronyms, which are sequences of words and sounds that sound similar to each other. There is a region of our brains called the angular gyrus that cleverly uses all of a persons previous life knowledge to fill in gaps where necessary with predictable replacements. Some days I feel like I'm in a real life game of hangman trying to fill in the gaps and blanks to make someones sentence make sense!

Until next time...

A new season...

A new season marks the start of a new chapter in the year, new wardrobe additions and a few choice "autumn" Instagram pics right...? Wrong... a change in the weather can mean days of dizziness for vertigo sufferers and certainly explains why iv woken up twice in the past fortnight feeling like I need sea sickness tablets!

Dizziness is the third most common medical symptom reported and vertigo is to blame for at least 40% of those sufferers. Some people say they can predict the weather before a storm through how they feel, and problems with balance on a normal day are only worsened by a sudden change in barometric pressure.

Iv mentioned previously that a glass of wine on a "dizzy day" completely turns my day around and settles any feelings of drunkiness (oh the irony!) I'm not sure that a hip flask in my desk drawer at work is entirely appropriate so a latte will have to do!

Doctors advise to avoid bed rest and to get back to normal routine as soon as possible to kick start the brain in to compensating for the vertigo allowing it not to develop in to an "all day long" episode. Its sometimes easier said than done when I can barely walk in a straight line through the office!

19 months on from loosing my hearing my bad days are getting further and further apart. I'm not sure if its luck or whether its just a change in mind set. Either way, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and however cliché it sounds, there is always something to smile about, even on a bad day.
Someone I barely know told me this week how much they liked my blog and that they had read every one, while my new work colleagues changed my phone around so it was on my good side.

Its the small things that really do make my day...

Out with the old..

A new month, a new job and a new start... I couldn't be happier.

If the last 18 months have taught me anything, it's to never take anything for granted and to appreciate the small things.

When I heard those 5 little words 18 months ago, "your hearing will never return" I had no idea how much my life would change, from small day to day things to huge, career changing possibilities.

I was determined at first to not let this effect my job, of which I loved. Being a dance teacher was in my blood, it was all I ever knew and I wasn't ready to take a leap of faith.... until now. When my doctor wanted to sign me off with exhaustion and stress I knew something had to change. After researching other peoples career changes due to SSD I was shocked to read that people took early retirement, became housewives and job hopped from place to place with very little support from employers. I read stories of bullying and being left out of office communications because of their disability. Some even deemed "unemployable" as a hard of hearing person comes with more baggage than a "normal" employee. Its disgusting that invisible illnesses such as these are seen as a negative when in actual fact, that individual could do a better job than most if given the chance. Other stories saw SSD used against people in interviews with employers making any excuse to not give the job away.

With this in mind I was careful with what I wrote on applications and emails when asked about myself. One particular telephone interview sticks in my mind. I was, in her words, perfect for the role. After a brief talk about the job, the conversation turned to me. When asked "is there anything about yourself you'd like to add?" I replied explaining that I was deaf on my left side, she replied "oh....ok" and quickly ended the call saying she would be in touch. Funnily enough I never heard anything! It must have been fate as the week after I struck gold! A great interview, 2 extremely understanding and lovely bosses and a job offer within 48 hours!

10 days in and loving every minute, so far iv only answered the phone to my bad ear twice! I giggled to myself and shrugged it off, luckily no one saw! You can do anything you put your mind to and right now, I feel like a whole new person. As a good friend told me this week... "never let anyone dull your sparkle"

until next time...

until next time

Step back and listen...

My tap shoes have been attached to me for as long as I can remember, from that first lesson at the age of 5 to passing my teaching exams and entering my first set of exam students aged 23. I'm now 31 and believed that I would still be choreographing in the studio for another 20 years, that is, until about a month ago when I decided on a change. To be perfectly honest I had thought about it a while ago but refused to give in to the niggle.

Only hearing one side is difficult enough day to day but add in some 3 year olds in tap shoes, loud music, fatigue, a 40+ hour week and a confined space and you end up with sensory overload! I had read that having SSD can result in tiredness but shrugged it off with the excuse of having such a busy job. Over the last 6 months I've felt things slowly creeping up on top of me and was finding it harder and harder to get out of bed. I was exhausted every day and sleeping every spare minute, including lunch breaks and all through my only day off a week and so decided to seek some advice from the doctor. When he wanted to sign me off there and then I cried.....I felt weak... isolated and that this thing had finally beaten me. I'm not the sort of person who gives in easily, everyone gets tired right? But this was different, the stress, the anxiety of familiar day to day chores was too much. There comes a point when warning signs start to show and a lifestyle change is needed.

I started to research the links between SSD and fatigue and my findings were shocking, how did I not know that this was an actual thing? And more importantly I definitely wasn't alone. Maybe if I hadn't have been so stubborn...

Hearing-loss exhaustion occurs because of the extra mental work that hard-of-hearing people must exercise to get through their day. From keeping up with conversations at work to processing the sounds on the street, the body expends much of its energy to struggle to hear. If you are hard of hearing, chances are you have likely experienced exhaustion because of the physical and emotional side effects of the sound deficit.

I have 17 days left before starting my new job at a letting agents. A quiet office and regular hours along with evenings and weekends off to spend more time with loved ones. I've been extremely lucky to work my dream job for 10+ years and I'm truly grateful to each and every student/teacher/parent/friend who has made that happen. Will I still tap dance my way around the supermarket? probably... Will I still want to choreograph to every song I hear on the radio? of course!

Until next time...

A Balancing Act

They say life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving..... or not!

If anyone has ever experienced vertigo you will know what I mean. Your balance system is made up of 3 things, what your eyes see, what your joints feel and what is picked up by the balance part of your inner ear. Your inner ear can detect the direction you are travelling and what speed your head is moving at, as well as being able to determine if you are moving in a straight line.

Vertigo and balance problems can be common in deaf people, affecting up to 30%, especially if the deafness is sudden. The feeling of dizziness is unnerving and can catch you off guard at the strangest times. To look up at a tall building, to roll over in bed, and to move your head in certain directions can be just a few every day things that can throw you off balance. The sicky, room spinny, anxious and unsteady feeling was all to familiar in the year after I went deaf on the left side. To begin with I was offered tablets as a quick fix, after researching possible side effects I noticed that 'dizziness' and 'nausea' were common.......ummm hello?!

 I decided to do some of my own research and have a read of what might help. As a dance teacher the odds were good that this wasn't going to last forever and I was advised to 'carry on as normal' whenever I could. I was told that my body would quickly adjust the best it could and that years of tapping and turning could be a big advantage. Research shows that dancers use more muscle groups, even just walking across a flat floor, than people who had no dance training. This showed that dance training can strengthen the nervous systems' ability to coordinate muscle groups, therefore helping to keep balance. My pirouettes looked like a 5 year olds but all the more reason to keep trying right?
I tried yoga, meditation (yes I actually stayed quiet for more than 10 minutes!), fizzy drinks (I have no idea why this worked for me but it did) and standing on 1 leg. As silly as it sounds it actually all helped. Apparently if you are below the age of 60 you should be able to stand on 1 leg, close your eyes, rise up on to your tip toe and hold for 21 seconds..... I managed 2! Over 60's should be able to manage 10 seconds....don't pretend that your not trying it out right now! 

I'm lucky enough to work at a gymnastics academy meaning I have endless use of equipment, my goal was to be able to walk across the beam without falling off by the end of last year, after a lot of failed attempts I did it! Practice makes perfect. My balance will never be great but I have to stay positive and keep moving forward. This time last year I could barely walk in a straight line, this year I'm back to taking dance classes, and spinning around like fairy with my baby ballerinas. Until next time...

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A shoulder to....hear on

With so much sadness in the news this week I thought it would be a good time to spread some happy thoughts and so I am dedicating this particular post to my boyfriend and best friend, Paul.

When I was told the devastating news that my hearing in my left ear would not return I felt lost, isolated and trapped in a world where everything was either too loud or not loud enough. I was embarrassed to ask people to speak slower or repeat things that I just couldn't quite make out and felt like I couldn't open up about SSD in public in fear of looking silly. I was all of a sudden conscious of people being on my good side and found that taking myself out of social situations was easier than trying to deal with them. I couldn't quite accept that part of me was lost forever and just tried to cover it up with a smile or a joke! I was stubborn and determined that this 'thing' wasn't going to change life as I know it but I was quickly defeated.

We would sit together on the sofa and Google treatments, solutions, and tips from others in the same situation and Paul would spend hours reading articles, university studies and pretty much anything the internet had to offer that would help him understand what I was feeling. Whether it was him going to shop to buy me silly amounts of chocolate and goodies or a cuddle on a bad day I honestly couldn't have got through it without him. When I came home one evening to find him cooking with an ear plug in his left ear I smiled, his reply, "I just want to hear what you hear".

Once I realised that it was ok to not be ok, I turned a corner. Yes I might cry, shout, get angry and have days where I don't want to get out of bed but now I understand why. The tiredness, the fatigue, loss of balance and tinnitus are things that my brain quickly got used to and I feel a much stronger person as a result. Paul told me to look after myself and stand up for myself when explaining my situation. I now find myself sitting in the best place at a work meeting, teaching with my students mainly on the right and explaining to people the reasons why I might not have heard their question. While shopping the other day I found myself saying "sorry that's my deaf side" when I didn't hear her say excuse me. A year ago I would have just looked down and felt awful for it for the rest of the evening. My friends and family have been great, making sure they save me a space at the left end of the restaurant table, making sure I hear announcements at the airport, turning up the TV, making sure I feel ok in a loud bar and always walking on my right. It becomes a habit and one that me and Paul quickly adjusted too.

As I sit here in the garden on this lovely summers evening I'm thankful to everyone who has made me smile, my close group of friends, boyfriend, family, and work colleagues. Because of you all I am brave enough to speak out, write my blog and record radio interviews! who'd have thought it!

Every day may not be good, but there is definitely something good in every day.

Sorry to hear that...

...this is something I hear all the time, I never know if people are trying to make a joke!

As time goes on I feel more and more obliged to inform people of my SSD in the hope that it excuses me occasionally ignoring them! Among the bad days (and there are quite a few) I do find myself using it to my advantage, may as well make the best of a bad situation.
I often forget that SSD is considered a disability and that every day situations that everyone takes for granted are suddenly taken away. This got me thinking about the pros and cons of hearing loss, we'll start with the cons...

Locating sound direction - I often spend my work day spinning around in a circle trying to figure out where a noise is coming from, I know someone is calling me but where they are in the room is a mystery!

Headphones - These are no longer useful. People with SSD hear in mono-aural not in stereo meaning that we cannot pick out one sound amongst others or cannot hear one persons voice in a group. Songs play different parts in the left/right ear and so before you know it you've missed your favourite verse altogether!

Loud environments - All noises, voices, music and conversation noises blur in to one meaning that the person sat opposite at a party may as well be speaking Chinese. I end up nodding and agreeing just hoping that I wasn't being asked a question!

Crossing the road - I laughed when someone advised me to be careful of this but in actual fact Iv nearly been ran over more times than I can actually count, I never knew how much I took my left ear for granted before now.

Tinnitus - compared to some I'm quite lucky with this but lm forever hearing noises that aren't actually there. I jump at 'bangs' and 'knocks on doors' and have no idea if they are real or not. The buzzing, rings and beeps just add to my everyday craziness.

Driving - not only is road noise SOOOO loud to me now but I can't hear my passenger, especially if the radio is on. My hearing aids come in handy here.

TV and films - since having SSD iv noticed that certain films are impossible to watch. The background noises/sound effects and action noises are often louder than the dialect making it hard to concentrate. A few loud huffs are normally enough to get my boyfriend to change the film!

Answering the phone - I have always, for as long as I can remember, used my left ear for the phone. This took me a long time to get used to and even now I answer calls and say hello 10 times before realising I have it to the wrong ear.

Pro's... While there arent many, they can be quite useful...

Me time - Some days when I get home from my very noisy work environment I like to sit quietly and chill in the peace and quiet. This helps me relax and reset before moving on to whatever I'm doing next. In doing so i find i sleep better and feel more relaxed. I'm naturally a busy, always on the go kind of person so this is a positive for me.

Sleeping - I have always slept on my 'good side' meaning that once I have turned over I don't hear a thing until l the morning. I used to (still do a bit) sleepwalk a lot and so being able to sleep deeply means less 3am conversations with ironing board!

Priority seats - On a recent trip to New York i found out just how helpful this could be. After mentioning my SSD to the box office we were upgraded to 4th row seats :)

The last year has taught me to learn to laugh at myself, without humour I'm not sure how i would have coped. Of course I'm sad sometimes but as long as they say, 'A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures for anything'