A shoulder to....hear on

With so much sadness in the news this week I thought it would be a good time to spread some happy thoughts and so I am dedicating this particular post to my boyfriend and best friend, Paul.

When I was told the devastating news that my hearing in my left ear would not return I felt lost, isolated and trapped in a world where everything was either too loud or not loud enough. I was embarrassed to ask people to speak slower or repeat things that I just couldn't quite make out and felt like I couldn't open up about SSD in public in fear of looking silly. I was all of a sudden conscious of people being on my good side and found that taking myself out of social situations was easier than trying to deal with them. I couldn't quite accept that part of me was lost forever and just tried to cover it up with a smile or a joke! I was stubborn and determined that this 'thing' wasn't going to change life as I know it but I was quickly defeated.

We would sit together on the sofa and Google treatments, solutions, and tips from others in the same situation and Paul would spend hours reading articles, university studies and pretty much anything the internet had to offer that would help him understand what I was feeling. Whether it was him going to shop to buy me silly amounts of chocolate and goodies or a cuddle on a bad day I honestly couldn't have got through it without him. When I came home one evening to find him cooking with an ear plug in his left ear I smiled, his reply, "I just want to hear what you hear".

Once I realised that it was ok to not be ok, I turned a corner. Yes I might cry, shout, get angry and have days where I don't want to get out of bed but now I understand why. The tiredness, the fatigue, loss of balance and tinnitus are things that my brain quickly got used to and I feel a much stronger person as a result. Paul told me to look after myself and stand up for myself when explaining my situation. I now find myself sitting in the best place at a work meeting, teaching with my students mainly on the right and explaining to people the reasons why I might not have heard their question. While shopping the other day I found myself saying "sorry that's my deaf side" when I didn't hear her say excuse me. A year ago I would have just looked down and felt awful for it for the rest of the evening. My friends and family have been great, making sure they save me a space at the left end of the restaurant table, making sure I hear announcements at the airport, turning up the TV, making sure I feel ok in a loud bar and always walking on my right. It becomes a habit and one that me and Paul quickly adjusted too.

As I sit here in the garden on this lovely summers evening I'm thankful to everyone who has made me smile, my close group of friends, boyfriend, family, and work colleagues. Because of you all I am brave enough to speak out, write my blog and record radio interviews! who'd have thought it!

Every day may not be good, but there is definitely something good in every day.

Sorry to hear that...

...this is something I hear all the time, I never know if people are trying to make a joke!

As time goes on I feel more and more obliged to inform people of my SSD in the hope that it excuses me occasionally ignoring them! Among the bad days (and there are quite a few) I do find myself using it to my advantage, may as well make the best of a bad situation.
I often forget that SSD is considered a disability and that every day situations that everyone takes for granted are suddenly taken away. This got me thinking about the pros and cons of hearing loss, we'll start with the cons...

Locating sound direction - I often spend my work day spinning around in a circle trying to figure out where a noise is coming from, I know someone is calling me but where they are in the room is a mystery!

Headphones - These are no longer useful. People with SSD hear in mono-aural not in stereo meaning that we cannot pick out one sound amongst others or cannot hear one persons voice in a group. Songs play different parts in the left/right ear and so before you know it you've missed your favourite verse altogether!

Loud environments - All noises, voices, music and conversation noises blur in to one meaning that the person sat opposite at a party may as well be speaking Chinese. I end up nodding and agreeing just hoping that I wasn't being asked a question!

Crossing the road - I laughed when someone advised me to be careful of this but in actual fact Iv nearly been ran over more times than I can actually count, I never knew how much I took my left ear for granted before now.

Tinnitus - compared to some I'm quite lucky with this but lm forever hearing noises that aren't actually there. I jump at 'bangs' and 'knocks on doors' and have no idea if they are real or not. The buzzing, rings and beeps just add to my everyday craziness.

Driving - not only is road noise SOOOO loud to me now but I can't hear my passenger, especially if the radio is on. My hearing aids come in handy here.

TV and films - since having SSD iv noticed that certain films are impossible to watch. The background noises/sound effects and action noises are often louder than the dialect making it hard to concentrate. A few loud huffs are normally enough to get my boyfriend to change the film!

Answering the phone - I have always, for as long as I can remember, used my left ear for the phone. This took me a long time to get used to and even now I answer calls and say hello 10 times before realising I have it to the wrong ear.

Pro's... While there arent many, they can be quite useful...

Me time - Some days when I get home from my very noisy work environment I like to sit quietly and chill in the peace and quiet. This helps me relax and reset before moving on to whatever I'm doing next. In doing so i find i sleep better and feel more relaxed. I'm naturally a busy, always on the go kind of person so this is a positive for me.

Sleeping - I have always slept on my 'good side' meaning that once I have turned over I don't hear a thing until l the morning. I used to (still do a bit) sleepwalk a lot and so being able to sleep deeply means less 3am conversations with ironing board!

Priority seats - On a recent trip to New York i found out just how helpful this could be. After mentioning my SSD to the box office we were upgraded to 4th row seats :)

The last year has taught me to learn to laugh at myself, without humour I'm not sure how i would have coped. Of course I'm sad sometimes but as long as they say, 'A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures for anything'